Childish said: can't live your life on a bus

When I was a kid, I used to hang out in doorways, scanning my environment, waiting for something to happen—a loud noise, a sudden change, players entering the arena, a word out of place, a look out of place, waiting for the call, for somebody to leave, for somebody to stay, to be noticed, to be ignored, to be left, to be found, to be worthy of nothing happening, to be worthy of something different happening, waiting, waiting, waiting, blah, blah, blah.

We live on buses and we live in doorways (or under blankets or inside tunnels or with our backs up against the wall) to keep a false sense of control: if I'm already on guard, life can't catch me off of it.

But when we're on guard for something for too long, we start to hold it inside ourselves. Here becomes the logic: if I'm already holding pain, pain can't catch me off guard. If I'm already holding unworthiness, unworthiness can't catch me off guard. If I'm already holding instability, fear, worry, abandonment, blah, blah, blah.

I think I've been secretly hoping that if I'm already holding onto something, life will just skip right on by me next time it brings it around.

Two things: it doesn't, and it still always catches me off guard. If the point is to avoid the accumulation of pain, this strategy don't make any sense.

Blah, blah, can't live your life in a doorway.